England take on Kiwis in first American World Cup warm-up run-out

Tonight, Thomas Tuchel launches his "comfortable being uncomfortable" era in Florida, dragging a heavily fatigued England squad into the humid, 32°C cauldron of Tampa’s Raymond James Stadium (complete with a giant replica pirate ship behind one of the goals, just in case anyone forgot we are in America) to do battle with New Zealand.

If you were hoping for a classic, high-octane footballing masterclass to kick off the summer, prepare to be fiercely underwhelmed. This match has all the hallmarks of a glorified, heat-soaked training session masquerading as an international event.

The FA has loudly branded this Florida camp a "data-driven acclimatisation process." Does this mean they are intentionally baking the players? Coming off a bruising domestic season, the squad is being dropped into a swampy furnace to see who collapses first.

Don’t look for tactical epiphanies or fluid passing sequences tonight; look for how many times Jude Bellingham or Harry Kane have to chug an electrolyte gel just to keep from cramping.

Friendly matches against teams ranked comfortably outside the world's elite (New Zealand sit well down the Fifa rankings) serve exactly one purpose for international managers: absolute immunity. If England win 5-0, it was a "professional, clinical workout against a structured block."

If they stutter to a turgid, error-strewn 1-0 win or — heaven forbid — a draw, Tuchel can simply shrug and blame the humidity, hard NFL turf, and "heavy legs" from training. It is a win-win for the dugout, and a lose-win for anyone paying to watch it.

Thankfully, or mercifully, the national 'moment' willl be broadcast free to air on ITV, starting in at 8:15 pm BST. We might get to see Jordan Pickford in goal... but Tuchel surely has a firm picture of what his star England goalie can do for him and may well be tempted to check instead what else he has on the bench.

In sharp contrast to a long and storied history of rugby matches between England and the All-Blacks in Rugby Union, this is only the third time these two nations have ever met to play this type of football.