Why honesty is not always the best policy

Sometimes the hardest part about talking to other people isn't finding the right words to say, but deciding if you should say anything at all. Abi Inman/NPR hide caption

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Should you tell your partner how you really feel about their casserole? Offer a colleague feedback about their subpar interview performance? Let a stranger know she has toilet paper on her shoe?

Sometimes the hardest part about talking to other people isn't finding the right words to say — but deciding if you should say anything at all, says social psychologist Vanessa Bohns.

"There are times when honesty is the best policy," she says. "On the other hand, honesty is not the best policy if whatever we say is going to be honest without any instrumental value."

Bohns is the author of Should I Say Something? The Science of What to Share—and What to Keep to Yourself , published in October. The book provides research-backed strategies to help you figure out when to share the truth or a personal opinion. It also offers advice on when to share good news, say sorry or be vulnerable.

There's a reason why giving difficult feedback or even loving criticism can feel like a dilemma. "It pains us to embarrass or hurt other people," Bohns says. So we don't tend to like doing it. In fact, there's a name for the phenomenon — the MUM effect , or minimizing unpleasant messages.

But with care and intention, it's possible to make informed choices about when to speak up or stay quiet, no matter how small or big the situation. Bohns shares three questions to ask yourself before sharing an opinion.